Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Well, the good news is that Mark Sanf...

Dear Liberal Voter,

I quit!  As of today I am resigning as head cheerleader of Chesterfield county for the Conservative movement.  It really is a breath of fresh air.  No longer do I have to worry for the future.  I will be heading to the welfare office in short order to sign up for assistance.  As well, I plan on defaulting on my student loans because the economy is so bad.  Perhaps some HUD assistance is in my future as well!  A new house partially paid for and secured by others sounds great! 

It will be great to start watching American Idol and MTV rather than reading background and perspective information about world events.  No more hours spent backgounding Iraq, Iran or Terrorism.  I can't tell you how psyched I am to watch my first episode of "16 and Pregnant" on MTV!  Also, the only "foreign affairs" I will worry about will be the Mark Sanford kind!  I hear liberal women on TV love his romantic letters to his mistress.  COOL!  Liberal women here I come!!!

I plan to fully support Obama.  I of course will not research any positions.  I will just do it because he is black and I feel guilty as a white person, and he is clean cut and speaks so well, and a lot of smart sounding people on the news seem to love him!  If the TV says it, it must be true, right?

The gun store I run will of course immediately be shut down.  Guns kill people.  That is bad.  I don't want to be bad.  I want to be good.  So no more guns.  WOW!  That overly simplistic liberal pseudo-logic is amazingly easy to get into!  I of course will have to purge some information already in my head like the fact that guns DON'T actually kill people.  Just like pencils don't misspell words.  Or that there are over 2 million defensive uses of hand guns every year and comparatively only 50,000 gun deaths (including legal uses and legal police killings).  I will crowd out this interfering data with global warming propaganda. 

I am also super psyched to completely loose perspective of the world around me and live my life according to bumper stickers!  No blood for Oil!  Bush lied people died.  Corporations (that employ millions) are bad!  America is bad!  John Stewart is funny!  9-11 was an inside job!  We deserved to be attacked by terrorists!  This way of thinking of course will be difficult, but my new pot habit should help dull my sense of reason.

Best of all my downward spiral into liberalism will not change my voting habits, it seems I will be able to continue to vote Republican!  Thank you Lindsey Graham and Mark Sanford!

Finally, in an effort to streamline the movement of your money to my pocket, I am going to fore-go the formality of taxation and the redistribution of wealth.  I am just going to show up at your house and help myself to whatever I think is necessary and proper to feed, clothe and house myself. Oh, and I want a new video game console and some rims for my car!

YES!  I welcome the sweet bliss of ignorance.

Benjamin Cook
Former Right-Wing Propagandist and Local Arms Dealer

1 comment:

Interment Specialist said...

I think I'll join u Mr.Cook. The decay of this pamper-ass society, "GIMME-GIMME" generation should be enough 4 us 2 enlighten folks. I reckon reality TV is better than real reality.I'llbring the bong, u bring the beer.